A couple of days ago I was watching my son play. He was taking all of his toy tractors and lining them up on the coffee table, making his tractor noise and beeping. Then all of a sudden I was sobbing and couldn't stop. I was thinking of his growing independence and him not needing me as much in the near future. I was wondering how he is going to feel when my attention will not be solely on him, but on a new baby too. I thought about how I will probably forget these times everyday just him and I. This is what made me saddest. I will forget just like I forgot how life was before my son. I will forget how life was before this baby, all the days that my son and I shared alone. I don't want to forget, even though I know he will. I don't want to forget how he is right now, the things he does and says, even though I've already about forgotten how he was just few months ago because he is changing so much. I am happy that we are having another baby. I have always wanted more than one child. But, is it really possible to love another child as much as your first? I don't know. Other parents tell me that you do. I hope that they are right. Hopefully when I see this baby for the first time I will be as hopelessly in love as I was when I first saw my precious son.
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When Johnson was born, I mean at the MOMENT of his birth, the doctor laid him on my belly and immediately I started crying and saying 'I'm sorry'. The doctor was confused but I explained that I knew the experience had to be as hard for him as it was for me. I bonded with him instantly and he never cried. He looked me right in the eyes and it was like looking myself in the face. It was and still is the best moment of my life. When I checked out of the hospital, I remember standing in the lobby waiting for my husband to bring the car around and the nurse seeing that I was getting teary again. I told her that I felt like no other woman has ever had a baby before and I couldnt imagine anyone ever loved their baby as much as I loved mine. She smiled and said 'and you will love the next one JUST as much.' Needless to say, I didnt believe her.
When Nathan was born, I did not bond with him instantly. The birth was much harder and he cried alot when he was born. I was so relieved for it to be over that I honestly don't even remember holding him. But that night, when they brought him to me for a feeding, I actually 'heard' him cry for the first time. It was like a lamb or something ...'La...la....la'. Even when he was suffering from colic for HOURS at a time during the early months, the cry was always beautiful to me. And now, it's kind of sad but I'm closer to him than I was to Johnson at this age. Johnson was always at his granny's because I worked full time and I only saw him during the evening, it seemed like. I have precious memories of my time w/ only him but I was amazed how much I was able to bond w/ the second one. It's a work in progress to remain close to Johnson because he's reached the beligerent 6 yr old stage but he'll always be my first baby, my smart mechanically-inclined boy, my sensitive and mature one.
Right now, I'm learning how to be patient w/ the older one, be firm w/ the little one (who is sadly spoiled), and be consistent and loving to both of them.
You will learn too. Just don't expect the second one to be ANYTHING like the first one. In my case, completely different feelings were involved. And don't worry; you will never forget these days w/ Colton. They are part of you now. Isnt that great?
Wow..... you guys talking about your babies like that makes me all mushy inside. So sweet. :) What an awesome feeling that has to be! The whole process is just so fascinating and miraculous. It's crazy that there's this little person growing inside of you. I just can't even imagine how cool it is to look in to your own child's eyes for the first time. mush mush...... :) And Heather, where did this picture come from?
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